Chapter 5: Fighting leads to leaving.

During the same time I was having problems with my relationship with Mario, my mother and I were having a Fallout. We were constantly fighting about my father. She harbored feelings for him that were very negative and I just did not know why. We fought constantly, it was hard. I said things to my mother that I wish I never did. My home, did not feel like home. One day me and my mother had one last argument, and I left. Moved out to live with my father (who was moving down to Trinidad).

Living with m father was good for a while, but it went downhill and fast. He was really depressive and harbored a lot of hate toward my mother and I couldn’t stand it anymore. During this time I was working full time and managing school. As circumstances got worse, I ended moving out to my fathers to my older brothers. I got a job as a waitress, full time, and worked late nights. Through all this moving I never felt like I belonged…

Chapter 4: The Unthinkable happens....

I went to a pow wow the summer of my 15th year. Me and my brother Sky were going to party with our old childhood friend. Of course there was drinking but I wasn't drinking a lot. I remember hanging out with my friend Randy, then seeing some guys I did not know come to the party. After that it was pretty much black.

Next thing I that I can recall was my brother yelling and screaming and dragging me away from the fireplace. After that I woke up in the back of my brothers camper with him a few feet away. By me was our "friend" Jeremy. He had his hands in my clothes and in places that were not acceptable by me. I woke up my brother but I did not tell him what happened, whatever made me black out was still in my system and I fell unconciouse again.

The next day my brother was really upset, and I think the reason why I did not tell anyone about what happened to me was because of the way he acted. My mother still does not know till this day and neither does my sister. I think there are only a few people that know I was sexually assaulted that night.

When I drink now, I remember things about that night that I do not have conscious recall of. Things that happened to me by men that I do not even know. That day changed me, but those incidents have made me the assertive woman that I am today.

But still, it is scary......

Chapter 3: Abused

The end of my freshman year I got into my first real relationship. He was Dusty’s best friend, Mario. And it started off great but it did not end that way. I was with Mario for about a year, and things got bad right after I lost my virginity to him. I don’t remember the night really, we all just got done partying and I was really drunk. All I remember was it hurt, and I don’t even think I agreed to doing it. But I was blind. I thought I loved him, but the only reason I was with him was because he made me feel good about myself (which I now see is stupid). He was abusive in the verbal fact, always making me feel like I was worthless and stupid. It really struck at my self esteem. And yet I stayed. I remember one night Dusty had to stop him from almost hitting me and I broke down, if Dusty was not there I would have probably done something bad to myself. During this same time I was really depressed, my manic depressive attacks were very common and Mario could not handle them. So instead of supporting me, he made me feel like I was a freak. I remember losing 15 pounds in one week because I was so depressed I stopped eating. This was by far the worse relationship I ever got into. Then one day he hit me because he was mad at his sister and I wouldn't let him hurt her, and so I left him. . I was now free, but still hurt. I felt alone once again…

Chapter 2: The beginning of my struggles

In 7th grade I was constantly harassed because of my Japanese heritage and my fellow schoolmates made it really difficult for my schooling. When I tried to express my Japanese heritage they literally stopped me. It was really hard to be both Japanese and White in the school I was in especially in a predominantly white school.

Eventually it got to a point to where I was sooo fed up with all of the discrimination around me that I homeschooled my 8th grade year. I did this because it really hurt that the people that I loved, even some of my best friends, were discriminating against me and I felt that I had no where to go.
Also, during this time I was struggling with not having a father figure in my life. It hurt because I was getting to the age to where I realized the hole that was left in my heart due to having no father figure with me while I was growing up. This was another reason I decided to leave, the stress and struggles were too much to bear with at school. Being alone sounded like the best thing for me to do.

Being away for a year truly taught me some valuable lessons. It was this time that I learned that this is WHO I WAS, and it was up to me to show others that I was NOT going to choose who I was going to be. I was Japanese and I was White.

Chapter 1: When I was young

I am Japanese and White, my mother is from Yamaguchi Japan and my father was born in to United States. I am Multiracial.
The first memory that I can recall was when I was 4 years old. I remember sitting on the cold wooden seats of the court house watching intently but not fully understanding what was going on. That day changed my life forever. This was the day that my parents divorced, and I would not know what effect this would have in my life.
We moved to Trinidad CO from our house in the middle of the woods that summer and I attended preschool like everyone else. I saw my father some days, he was only a block away, but when my older brother (Falcon and Robin) got in trouble and had to move, my father moved with them to Denver.
After the summer me, my mother, and my brother Sky, moved back into the woods. I was homeschooled out of Primero till 5th grade, and then I started attending full time in the school. I was the only girl of 15 in my 5th grade class but that did not bother me. My best friends were Dusty and Jacob. Me and Dusty were the biggest nerds, and I had the biggest crush on him during that time.
My childhood was easy, and I fit in all the time. That changed though, when I got into 7th grade.