About Me
- Asuka飛鳥 Nosaka野坂
- I am now a Senior at Colorado State University and I am an Ethnic Studies major minoring in Sociology. I am a Ethnic Studies major because I wish to create change in this country and to have an impact on my community.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Chapter 7: Billy
This little not so happy Fairy Tale started in the summer of 2006. This story does not reflect my feelings for him now.
Moving to Trinidad wasn't something that I planned on doing, after me and my mothers fall out I was planning to move to Ft Collins. But Something made me stay, I don't know if it was fate or not. I think my friend "Fred" had a lot to do wit that. My first few weeks of summer was great. I was with old friends and I was "somewhat" happy.
I started skateboardin, even though I sucked. That when we first started to talk. You skated so we talked to each other every once and a while. But we weren't considered "friends," at least not yet. Then one night I was hanging out wit my friend Pam, when we first got to be somewhat alone. She was your mothers friend, so since I was wit Pam for the night, when she visited you I tagged along. You didn't say much, you were shy, I didn't mind. But this was just the very beginning.
A few days after I was hanging out wit "Fred" when we decided to go to your house. The whole night we played video games and messed around, it was the first time I smiled truly in a while. We all ended crashing there, Fred behind me and you in front of me. I never wanted to hold someone so badly.
After that night we were inseparable. I stayed at your house a few nights, I was happy again. Then one night we decided to go to a party, you got drunk of course but I found it extremely cute. Even more when your Lil brother fell asleep on me and you did the same with your head rested on my shoulder. The funny thing is that I can't remember a thing about what I was wearing that night, but I can with you. If I'm correct you were wearing a white Baker shirt, blue tight jeans, and your white and green Plan B hat. I knew then that there was something more between us that friendship.
A few days later, I was with my friend Jimmy. Who was, sad to say, totally in love with me. Well he asked me who I liked, and when i finally told him he asked me why I didn't just ask you out. I told him I thought that you would of said no. So he grabbed my phone and called you and he hooked us up. It was awkward at first, you never really had a real girlfriend before and you were shy. But I just smiled.
I was happy again. You showed me love that I truly needed and brought me out of my depression that seemed like I would never get over. You made me smile, gave me hope to live, stopped my suicidal thoughts. And gave me my happiness back. You did more for me that I could of ever imagined. Wit you I felt that I was home. And most importantly, safe. But most importantly, you were there for me. When my mother and I faught, when I left my fathers house, and when my father almost died. You helped me through it all, you made me strong. I could of never have done it without you. My life with you was something I never want to forget.
Then, that fateful night came. Your step dad said mean things about me. I called Fred and he came and got me. I cried, mainly cause I left you to fight for us because I couldn't hold back the tears. Then I feared the worse thing I could. That you would fight your family and weaken your bond with them for us. I couldn't let that happen. So I did the one thing i thought was the best. Something that would hurt you deeply, but it would keep your family strong. I left the most important thing in my life. To keep you and your family together. Is that so wrong? Was I wrong?
That killed me. Even worse seeing you afterward. Trying to smile like it didn't hurt, when I could see through your lies. You were dying inside. After that day you kept asking me why I did what I did. But I never told you the honest truth. I even tried to make it easier for you to forget about me by dating someone else. And after that relationship ended, I knew that I would never forget you.
I finally told you what I felt. How I still loved you. And you told me that you still loved me back. But it seemed like it was to late. You were back in Oklahoma and I was here. We promised that when you got back we would be together again. I was patiently waiting the day you got back.
But things are never like the Fairy Tales that then should be, or you want them to be. It was totally different when you came back. We hung out once, you kissed me, and held my hand. After that night. You stopped talking to me. You stopped noticing that I even existed. I felt totally rejected. So I got attached to the first guy that showed interest. I got used. You called me a whore. Saying I couldnt wait. When I did, I never stopped waiting for you.
After all the shit, I finally got the courage to tell you the main reason why I left you. You read the message. But still you ignored me.
Now, when I see you, you can't even look at me. You can't even look me in the eye. Its like your ashamed. But at what? Are you ashamed of me, or of yourself. Now my dreams are haunted with the images of you. Your voice. Everything. Now when I see you. I don't know what I want to do more. Cry or hurt you. No. I know. I want to cry. I still do.
But now.....
I saw how weak you were, you were letting your friends control your life and allowed them to ruin and torment me. Looking back, I do not see what kind of hold that you have on me. I was just something that you knew you could of had again but found it more entertaining that I was in pain. But now I don't need you. I finally was able yo forget about you, and when you call or email me out of the blue, I no longer feel anything for you.
I was once angry at you, but you do not even deserve my anger, you made my life hell, you and David. So these feelings that I once had, the love that I once had, is gone. And for that I am so grateful, because it was replaced with someone that I will give my everything to.
Moving to Trinidad wasn't something that I planned on doing, after me and my mothers fall out I was planning to move to Ft Collins. But Something made me stay, I don't know if it was fate or not. I think my friend "Fred" had a lot to do wit that. My first few weeks of summer was great. I was with old friends and I was "somewhat" happy.
I started skateboardin, even though I sucked. That when we first started to talk. You skated so we talked to each other every once and a while. But we weren't considered "friends," at least not yet. Then one night I was hanging out wit my friend Pam, when we first got to be somewhat alone. She was your mothers friend, so since I was wit Pam for the night, when she visited you I tagged along. You didn't say much, you were shy, I didn't mind. But this was just the very beginning.
A few days after I was hanging out wit "Fred" when we decided to go to your house. The whole night we played video games and messed around, it was the first time I smiled truly in a while. We all ended crashing there, Fred behind me and you in front of me. I never wanted to hold someone so badly.
After that night we were inseparable. I stayed at your house a few nights, I was happy again. Then one night we decided to go to a party, you got drunk of course but I found it extremely cute. Even more when your Lil brother fell asleep on me and you did the same with your head rested on my shoulder. The funny thing is that I can't remember a thing about what I was wearing that night, but I can with you. If I'm correct you were wearing a white Baker shirt, blue tight jeans, and your white and green Plan B hat. I knew then that there was something more between us that friendship.
A few days later, I was with my friend Jimmy. Who was, sad to say, totally in love with me. Well he asked me who I liked, and when i finally told him he asked me why I didn't just ask you out. I told him I thought that you would of said no. So he grabbed my phone and called you and he hooked us up. It was awkward at first, you never really had a real girlfriend before and you were shy. But I just smiled.
I was happy again. You showed me love that I truly needed and brought me out of my depression that seemed like I would never get over. You made me smile, gave me hope to live, stopped my suicidal thoughts. And gave me my happiness back. You did more for me that I could of ever imagined. Wit you I felt that I was home. And most importantly, safe. But most importantly, you were there for me. When my mother and I faught, when I left my fathers house, and when my father almost died. You helped me through it all, you made me strong. I could of never have done it without you. My life with you was something I never want to forget.
Then, that fateful night came. Your step dad said mean things about me. I called Fred and he came and got me. I cried, mainly cause I left you to fight for us because I couldn't hold back the tears. Then I feared the worse thing I could. That you would fight your family and weaken your bond with them for us. I couldn't let that happen. So I did the one thing i thought was the best. Something that would hurt you deeply, but it would keep your family strong. I left the most important thing in my life. To keep you and your family together. Is that so wrong? Was I wrong?
That killed me. Even worse seeing you afterward. Trying to smile like it didn't hurt, when I could see through your lies. You were dying inside. After that day you kept asking me why I did what I did. But I never told you the honest truth. I even tried to make it easier for you to forget about me by dating someone else. And after that relationship ended, I knew that I would never forget you.
I finally told you what I felt. How I still loved you. And you told me that you still loved me back. But it seemed like it was to late. You were back in Oklahoma and I was here. We promised that when you got back we would be together again. I was patiently waiting the day you got back.
But things are never like the Fairy Tales that then should be, or you want them to be. It was totally different when you came back. We hung out once, you kissed me, and held my hand. After that night. You stopped talking to me. You stopped noticing that I even existed. I felt totally rejected. So I got attached to the first guy that showed interest. I got used. You called me a whore. Saying I couldnt wait. When I did, I never stopped waiting for you.
After all the shit, I finally got the courage to tell you the main reason why I left you. You read the message. But still you ignored me.
Now, when I see you, you can't even look at me. You can't even look me in the eye. Its like your ashamed. But at what? Are you ashamed of me, or of yourself. Now my dreams are haunted with the images of you. Your voice. Everything. Now when I see you. I don't know what I want to do more. Cry or hurt you. No. I know. I want to cry. I still do.
But now.....
I saw how weak you were, you were letting your friends control your life and allowed them to ruin and torment me. Looking back, I do not see what kind of hold that you have on me. I was just something that you knew you could of had again but found it more entertaining that I was in pain. But now I don't need you. I finally was able yo forget about you, and when you call or email me out of the blue, I no longer feel anything for you.
I was once angry at you, but you do not even deserve my anger, you made my life hell, you and David. So these feelings that I once had, the love that I once had, is gone. And for that I am so grateful, because it was replaced with someone that I will give my everything to.
Chapter 6: My best friend...
Dusty Allen Parson. He is the greatest friend a person could have, and I guess I never appreciated him as much as he should me.
Dusty, you have been there for me through everything. I remember one night we sat in Mario's room crying, you told me that life without me would be pointless for you to live. That still keeps me pushing to this day.
We went out during our freshmen year, remember that. I do. It was funny because we got closer after we broke up. A lot closer. I guess we knew that it was easier this way because without ties we could be close and not have to be completely shattered at the end of what could be a relationship. I would rather have it this way. Relationships always end friendships. So this was the way we knew that we would always be friends, and that was good for both of us. We were content. I was happy that me and you were still close even though your GF at the time hated me. Seems like there was a trend with that happening.
I remember all that you did for me after mario broke up, and even though I told you that I wanted to get back together with you, I wasn't that broken that it never happened. I found someone else while you found Chelsie. I found Billy... When Billy was in Primero we all knew him. He was shy, and he was always kind to me. We became really good friends when I moved to Trinidad after me and mario split. And me and billy got together. It seemed perfect timing because you had your gf that you spent most of your time with and I never wanted to interfere even though I never thought she was good enough for you.
When I moved to trinidad we lost contact, even more than we talk now and we are hours away from eachother, while when I lived in TDad I was like 45 min away. I found someone to help me fill the void and so did you. But I still remembering calling you at night, late at night to talk. This was after I left Billy. I think I woke you up or something because I remember that Chelsie was there. But we stilled talked and you said something about how Billy wasn't good enough for me anyways and that I would be fine. I laughed. Even after such a long time without talking, we still could call each other to talk about anything. Thank you for all those times where you were there for me.
Dusty, you have been there for me through everything. I remember one night we sat in Mario's room crying, you told me that life without me would be pointless for you to live. That still keeps me pushing to this day.
We went out during our freshmen year, remember that. I do. It was funny because we got closer after we broke up. A lot closer. I guess we knew that it was easier this way because without ties we could be close and not have to be completely shattered at the end of what could be a relationship. I would rather have it this way. Relationships always end friendships. So this was the way we knew that we would always be friends, and that was good for both of us. We were content. I was happy that me and you were still close even though your GF at the time hated me. Seems like there was a trend with that happening.
I remember all that you did for me after mario broke up, and even though I told you that I wanted to get back together with you, I wasn't that broken that it never happened. I found someone else while you found Chelsie. I found Billy... When Billy was in Primero we all knew him. He was shy, and he was always kind to me. We became really good friends when I moved to Trinidad after me and mario split. And me and billy got together. It seemed perfect timing because you had your gf that you spent most of your time with and I never wanted to interfere even though I never thought she was good enough for you.
When I moved to trinidad we lost contact, even more than we talk now and we are hours away from eachother, while when I lived in TDad I was like 45 min away. I found someone to help me fill the void and so did you. But I still remembering calling you at night, late at night to talk. This was after I left Billy. I think I woke you up or something because I remember that Chelsie was there. But we stilled talked and you said something about how Billy wasn't good enough for me anyways and that I would be fine. I laughed. Even after such a long time without talking, we still could call each other to talk about anything. Thank you for all those times where you were there for me.
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