Chapter 8: Senior Year

To be posted...... AN

Chapter 7: Billy

This little not so happy Fairy Tale started in the summer of 2006. This story does not reflect my feelings for him now.

Moving to Trinidad wasn't something that I planned on doing, after me and my mothers fall out I was planning to move to Ft Collins. But Something made me stay, I don't know if it was fate or not. I think my friend "Fred" had a lot to do wit that. My first few weeks of summer was great. I was with old friends and I was "somewhat" happy.

I started skateboardin, even though I sucked. That when we first started to talk. You skated so we talked to each other every once and a while. But we weren't considered "friends," at least not yet. Then one night I was hanging out wit my friend Pam, when we first got to be somewhat alone. She was your mothers friend, so since I was wit Pam for the night, when she visited you I tagged along. You didn't say much, you were shy, I didn't mind. But this was just the very beginning.

A few days after I was hanging out wit "Fred" when we decided to go to your house. The whole night we played video games and messed around, it was the first time I smiled truly in a while. We all ended crashing there, Fred behind me and you in front of me. I never wanted to hold someone so badly.

After that night we were inseparable. I stayed at your house a few nights, I was happy again. Then one night we decided to go to a party, you got drunk of course but I found it extremely cute. Even more when your Lil brother fell asleep on me and you did the same with your head rested on my shoulder. The funny thing is that I can't remember a thing about what I was wearing that night, but I can with you. If I'm correct you were wearing a white Baker shirt, blue tight jeans, and your white and green Plan B hat. I knew then that there was something more between us that friendship.

A few days later, I was with my friend Jimmy. Who was, sad to say, totally in love with me. Well he asked me who I liked, and when i finally told him he asked me why I didn't just ask you out. I told him I thought that you would of said no. So he grabbed my phone and called you and he hooked us up. It was awkward at first, you never really had a real girlfriend before and you were shy. But I just smiled.

I was happy again. You showed me love that I truly needed and brought me out of my depression that seemed like I would never get over. You made me smile, gave me hope to live, stopped my suicidal thoughts. And gave me my happiness back. You did more for me that I could of ever imagined. Wit you I felt that I was home. And most importantly, safe. But most importantly, you were there for me. When my mother and I faught, when I left my fathers house, and when my father almost died. You helped me through it all, you made me strong. I could of never have done it without you. My life with you was something I never want to forget.

Then, that fateful night came. Your step dad said mean things about me. I called Fred and he came and got me. I cried, mainly cause I left you to fight for us because I couldn't hold back the tears. Then I feared the worse thing I could. That you would fight your family and weaken your bond with them for us. I couldn't let that happen. So I did the one thing i thought was the best. Something that would hurt you deeply, but it would keep your family strong. I left the most important thing in my life. To keep you and your family together. Is that so wrong? Was I wrong?

That killed me. Even worse seeing you afterward. Trying to smile like it didn't hurt, when I could see through your lies. You were dying inside. After that day you kept asking me why I did what I did. But I never told you the honest truth. I even tried to make it easier for you to forget about me by dating someone else. And after that relationship ended, I knew that I would never forget you.

I finally told you what I felt. How I still loved you. And you told me that you still loved me back. But it seemed like it was to late. You were back in Oklahoma and I was here. We promised that when you got back we would be together again. I was patiently waiting the day you got back.

But things are never like the Fairy Tales that then should be, or you want them to be. It was totally different when you came back. We hung out once, you kissed me, and held my hand. After that night. You stopped talking to me. You stopped noticing that I even existed. I felt totally rejected. So I got attached to the first guy that showed interest. I got used. You called me a whore. Saying I couldnt wait. When I did, I never stopped waiting for you.

After all the shit, I finally got the courage to tell you the main reason why I left you. You read the message. But still you ignored me.

Now, when I see you, you can't even look at me. You can't even look me in the eye. Its like your ashamed. But at what? Are you ashamed of me, or of yourself. Now my dreams are haunted with the images of you. Your voice. Everything. Now when I see you. I don't know what I want to do more. Cry or hurt you. No. I know. I want to cry. I still do.


But now.....

I saw how weak you were, you were letting your friends control your life and allowed them to ruin and torment me. Looking back, I do not see what kind of hold that you have on me. I was just something that you knew you could of had again but found it more entertaining that I was in pain. But now I don't need you. I finally was able yo forget about you, and when you call or email me out of the blue, I no longer feel anything for you.

I was once angry at you, but you do not even deserve my anger, you made my life hell, you and David. So these feelings that I once had, the love that I once had, is gone. And for that I am so grateful, because it was replaced with someone that I will give my everything to.

Chapter 6: My best friend...

Dusty Allen Parson. He is the greatest friend a person could have, and I guess I never appreciated him as much as he should me.

Dusty, you have been there for me through everything. I remember one night we sat in Mario's room crying, you told me that life without me would be pointless for you to live. That still keeps me pushing to this day.

We went out during our freshmen year, remember that. I do. It was funny because we got closer after we broke up. A lot closer. I guess we knew that it was easier this way because without ties we could be close and not have to be completely shattered at the end of what could be a relationship. I would rather have it this way. Relationships always end friendships. So this was the way we knew that we would always be friends, and that was good for both of us. We were content. I was happy that me and you were still close even though your GF at the time hated me. Seems like there was a trend with that happening.

I remember all that you did for me after mario broke up, and even though I told you that I wanted to get back together with you, I wasn't that broken that it never happened. I found someone else while you found Chelsie. I found Billy... When Billy was in Primero we all knew him. He was shy, and he was always kind to me. We became really good friends when I moved to Trinidad after me and mario split. And me and billy got together. It seemed perfect timing because you had your gf that you spent most of your time with and I never wanted to interfere even though I never thought she was good enough for you.

When I moved to trinidad we lost contact, even more than we talk now and we are hours away from eachother, while when I lived in TDad I was like 45 min away. I found someone to help me fill the void and so did you. But I still remembering calling you at night, late at night to talk. This was after I left Billy. I think I woke you up or something because I remember that Chelsie was there. But we stilled talked and you said something about how Billy wasn't good enough for me anyways and that I would be fine. I laughed. Even after such a long time without talking, we still could call each other to talk about anything. Thank you for all those times where you were there for me.

Chapter 5: Fighting leads to leaving.

During the same time I was having problems with my relationship with Mario, my mother and I were having a Fallout. We were constantly fighting about my father. She harbored feelings for him that were very negative and I just did not know why. We fought constantly, it was hard. I said things to my mother that I wish I never did. My home, did not feel like home. One day me and my mother had one last argument, and I left. Moved out to live with my father (who was moving down to Trinidad).

Living with m father was good for a while, but it went downhill and fast. He was really depressive and harbored a lot of hate toward my mother and I couldn’t stand it anymore. During this time I was working full time and managing school. As circumstances got worse, I ended moving out to my fathers to my older brothers. I got a job as a waitress, full time, and worked late nights. Through all this moving I never felt like I belonged…

Chapter 4: The Unthinkable happens....

I went to a pow wow the summer of my 15th year. Me and my brother Sky were going to party with our old childhood friend. Of course there was drinking but I wasn't drinking a lot. I remember hanging out with my friend Randy, then seeing some guys I did not know come to the party. After that it was pretty much black.

Next thing I that I can recall was my brother yelling and screaming and dragging me away from the fireplace. After that I woke up in the back of my brothers camper with him a few feet away. By me was our "friend" Jeremy. He had his hands in my clothes and in places that were not acceptable by me. I woke up my brother but I did not tell him what happened, whatever made me black out was still in my system and I fell unconciouse again.

The next day my brother was really upset, and I think the reason why I did not tell anyone about what happened to me was because of the way he acted. My mother still does not know till this day and neither does my sister. I think there are only a few people that know I was sexually assaulted that night.

When I drink now, I remember things about that night that I do not have conscious recall of. Things that happened to me by men that I do not even know. That day changed me, but those incidents have made me the assertive woman that I am today.

But still, it is scary......

Chapter 3: Abused

The end of my freshman year I got into my first real relationship. He was Dusty’s best friend, Mario. And it started off great but it did not end that way. I was with Mario for about a year, and things got bad right after I lost my virginity to him. I don’t remember the night really, we all just got done partying and I was really drunk. All I remember was it hurt, and I don’t even think I agreed to doing it. But I was blind. I thought I loved him, but the only reason I was with him was because he made me feel good about myself (which I now see is stupid). He was abusive in the verbal fact, always making me feel like I was worthless and stupid. It really struck at my self esteem. And yet I stayed. I remember one night Dusty had to stop him from almost hitting me and I broke down, if Dusty was not there I would have probably done something bad to myself. During this same time I was really depressed, my manic depressive attacks were very common and Mario could not handle them. So instead of supporting me, he made me feel like I was a freak. I remember losing 15 pounds in one week because I was so depressed I stopped eating. This was by far the worse relationship I ever got into. Then one day he hit me because he was mad at his sister and I wouldn't let him hurt her, and so I left him. . I was now free, but still hurt. I felt alone once again…

Chapter 2: The beginning of my struggles

In 7th grade I was constantly harassed because of my Japanese heritage and my fellow schoolmates made it really difficult for my schooling. When I tried to express my Japanese heritage they literally stopped me. It was really hard to be both Japanese and White in the school I was in especially in a predominantly white school.

Eventually it got to a point to where I was sooo fed up with all of the discrimination around me that I homeschooled my 8th grade year. I did this because it really hurt that the people that I loved, even some of my best friends, were discriminating against me and I felt that I had no where to go.
Also, during this time I was struggling with not having a father figure in my life. It hurt because I was getting to the age to where I realized the hole that was left in my heart due to having no father figure with me while I was growing up. This was another reason I decided to leave, the stress and struggles were too much to bear with at school. Being alone sounded like the best thing for me to do.

Being away for a year truly taught me some valuable lessons. It was this time that I learned that this is WHO I WAS, and it was up to me to show others that I was NOT going to choose who I was going to be. I was Japanese and I was White.

Chapter 1: When I was young

I am Japanese and White, my mother is from Yamaguchi Japan and my father was born in to United States. I am Multiracial.
The first memory that I can recall was when I was 4 years old. I remember sitting on the cold wooden seats of the court house watching intently but not fully understanding what was going on. That day changed my life forever. This was the day that my parents divorced, and I would not know what effect this would have in my life.
We moved to Trinidad CO from our house in the middle of the woods that summer and I attended preschool like everyone else. I saw my father some days, he was only a block away, but when my older brother (Falcon and Robin) got in trouble and had to move, my father moved with them to Denver.
After the summer me, my mother, and my brother Sky, moved back into the woods. I was homeschooled out of Primero till 5th grade, and then I started attending full time in the school. I was the only girl of 15 in my 5th grade class but that did not bother me. My best friends were Dusty and Jacob. Me and Dusty were the biggest nerds, and I had the biggest crush on him during that time.
My childhood was easy, and I fit in all the time. That changed though, when I got into 7th grade.